Ending it
by 1-1 Marines
Summary: REALLY dark fanfic that takes place from the perspective of Katniss after Mockingjay but before she got married and had kids with Peeta. This thing is rated T for a reason. One-shot, glad I had the courage to post this.
**ME: I have attempted suicide in the past, long before I was a serious FanFiction author. Anyhow, I felt inspired to post this because of my experiences. Also, don't take this as an anti-gun thing.**

I stare at the handgun I have purchased. It is a black 5.7x28mm pistol that I have loaded with a thirty-round magazine. Every last one of those 5.7x28mm bullets is capable of blowing my brains out.

I flip the safety off and put the muzzle right between my eyes.

All I have to do is squeeze the trigger and my life will be over. If there is a hell, then I will send myself to it with a simple motion.

I deserve it.

When Boggs died and I got my unit, Squad 451, to follow my orders on the basis of being entrusted with our holo by Boggs (true) and being ordered by Coin to kill Snow (false), I acted selfishly.

I could have simply given the holo to Boggs's second-in-command, Jackson, like she asked. But I didn't. I lied and said I had a secret mission, when all I wanted to do was get revenge.

Any reasonable person would tell you Snow had earned himself a death sentence for over a quarter century's worth of crimes. Hell, no one nice would have prosecuted me if I had put an arrow in his head even if he put his hands up out of pity for Snow.

But that doesn't matter. What does matter was that I had put ten people, not including myself, at risk just so I could get a chance to shoot Snow myself. What was the result of my actions?

Messala was melted to death by a maser weapon. Leeg 1 and Jackson died trying to hold off the mutts, followed by Homes, Finnick, and Castor. That's six people, all fellow rebels, who died because of my actions. What did it result in?

Nothing.

Oh, sure, we killed more than our share of Peacekeepers and mutts, got Snow's attention. But that wasn't my intention at all, so those six deaths are my fault entirely. Finnick's son will grow up without knowing his father and Annie was left a widow thanks to me. I hate Gale, for he, among other unpleasant things, considered rebel spies in the Nut expendable to sate his bloodlust and desire for vengeance and I'm sure he was involved in designing the bomb that killed Prim. But I got six people killed because I wanted revenge, so how am I any better?

But for some reason, I can't pull the trigger. Why is it so hard? I don't deserve to live!

The door opens. "Katniss," Peeta says as gently as possible after a few seconds, "please put the gun down."

"Why?" I ask. "So I can keep living after getting people like Finnick killed? Like our other four squadmates when I took charge? Like Messala, who wasn't even a soldier?"

"Please, Katniss," Peeta pleads. "I know you for what you are-a good woman, no matter what you've told others or yourself."

Peeta, for all his truthful commentary on the worst elements of humanity, actually loves me. The fact I remember that is what gets me to drop the gun. Luckily enough, the pistol doesn't discharge on accident.

Peeta picks up the weapon, ejects the magazine, racks the slide to clear the chamber, then engages the safety before pulling me into a hug.

"You aren't a monster," he tells me. "If you really were an irredeemable monster, you wouldn't feel guilty enough to consider suicide."

 **ME: Being a guy who considered committing suicide myself, I probably should be glad I got this off my chest. Life has gotten better-if I had died, I wouldn't be able to talk to two of my best friends on this site, Criosd Pherein and Ahsokafanboy1138. I wouldn't have visited my paternal grandparents in Canada this spring break. God, if you're reading this...thank you for making sure my attempt wasn't a successful one.**

 **I am planning on PMing ForFutureReference again on April 1, 2016. For this month, I have not even made an anonymous review on any of his fics in an effort to give him space.**

 **However, on his Tumblr profile, he said I went on a tirade against him and writing in my last review of his fanfic, Contributions.**

 **For starters, why would I, a FanFiction author with my share of stories on my profile, be against writing? Nothing in my last review was critical of writing. Critical of him, a bit. Critical of a cop out on his part, yes. But writing itself?**

 **ForFutureReference lied. Either that, or he wasn't clear or it was a typo or something similar. But that is not a legitimate excuse given how he labelled it as the worst review he has ever gotten. If he wants to claim that, then he can try to at least be precise.**

 **Oh, and I was serious about miming shooting myself, ForFutureReference. So don't even imply it was a lie or some desperate attempt to get attention, please. I had already told you of my actual suicide attempt, so you had a perfectly good reason to not read it as "guilt-tripping."**

 **I am more than willing to start talking to you again. But if you want to try and make me look like an asshole, I'm not gonna take it lying down.**


End file.
